I don't really like myself right now
I really don’t like myself right now and I don’t know, I’m not sure what to do about it. I spend a lot of time crying. These last couple of days I haven’t been eating right, or at all so that means I haven’t been taking my pills either, which is just all a recipe for disaster. I am so incredibly sad again. I retriggered myself like a complete idiot. I don’t know. Sometimes I really do feel so stupid like nothing I do is right nothing I do, like I just ruin absolutely everything, I feel in extremes. My mom says that not normal, what is normal anymore!! HOW are you supposed to react to things?? HOW do people operate in the world with feeling so little??! I feel so much or nothing at all and it’s always been that way. I believe people just lie to themselves and other people about the way they feel, because they don’t want to make time. My entire generation is impatient and selfish and greedy and it’s very confusing to navigate all of this when most of your life has been just trying to get on your feet after graduating high school. It wouldn’t be so hard if i was medicated sooner but there’s no point in thinking retroactively.
I remember after I had my son, the world stopped. Not only literally due to Covid but mentally for me as I had a fresh newborn to care for. I was nice just caring for my son. No matter how tired or sleep deprived I was I enjoyed it so much. I love being his mommy. There's been so much that’s happened since that peaceful, sweet time. So many mistakes I’ve made so many decisions that amounted to absolutely nothing other than me crying for days again. I believed I experienced post-partum however I was never diagnosed, it took 3 years after that to even start considering mental health help. which is sad as I has delt with things my whole life, it’s sad I never thought to ask for help or knew that help could be offered. It made me feel so little. Like I was a kid again, that needed extra time after class...
The person I’ve become I no longer see me as. I guess I’m going through a metamorphosis. I guess that’s all that matters to do anymore. Everything seems like smoke and mirrors. Like what do people truly care about? What pushes the everyday individual to get things accomplished? Besides children? Before my son, I didn’t really plan, I had a plan and then he was here and my plan was so stupid, it made no logical sense. I hadn’t realized I’d be a single parent. I didn’t know things were going to go that way. I didn’t know anything. It wasn’t in my plans to do it alone. Nothing lasts forever they say, I don’t believe them. It’s been this long and it’s felt like forever. It’s small things that tell me I’m not who I was.
I've liked the same person for almost 2 years now. I don’t even know if they like me back. I stopped caring after we broke and made up the first time. I don’t really care about it much as long as my sons are happy, healthy and protected. I don’t know how to date, hence liking the same person. I mean obviously I’ve tried, but before him it was easier to just exist, i had no prior attachments. No romantic goals if you will, well other than marriage. I came to my home state on a fresh clean slate. I've had sugar daddies and kind strangers help me and like me and I was even proposed too twice this year; by sugar daddies! I immediately realized I don’t compromise for money or anything for that matter. I denied these old ass men and walked away. I’m actually a very complex woman just as I was as a girl. I’m angst and selfless and wear my heart on my sleeve. While still maintaining bravery of confidence as people call it. A complete 360 of whom I believed I was... I thought I was cool girl. LMFAO. That’s a comedy I have yet to write. I’m just Cherish, and I’m learning how to not only love her again but like her. She’s neat once you get to know her. I wonder if I’ll let you... until next time.
